Guilty but not guilty
Good evening fellow railfans, you may have been wondering about the title well it is my short title as the long title is guilty of watching trains but not guilty of failing to live up to your standards.
Since the beginning time people have tried to set some form of standard and make people feel inferior or guilty for not living up to it. From the Bible times to the present day society we classify things we do such as clothing, lifestyles and hobbies into what is deemed normal. For many years I have been hurt by rejections due to the fact I like trains. I have been told everything from grow up to something must be wrong with you. Society has always went with the IN-CROWD the cool kids, the ones with the most clout, the best clothes, the latest gadgets or who is the most popular kid/person in the group. For me growing up I never could be put into this class for the most part of my high school life I put work in trying to learn my trade as a carpenter and get through without being laughed at by my peers for some kind of failure. During these years I kept quiet about my passion for trains as it was something me and my dad used to do, we would walk the dog up to the end of our street and stand along the handrails and watch trains roll by or Saturday morning going to the local greasy spoon across the tracks named Clouser's for breakfast or lunch and trains or across the town to the Bunn drive in and watch the Belt line bring cars in to the NS/Wheeling interchange on market street. It wasn't after I graduated and my dad passed that I began to appreciate the train hobby mostly in the line of model trains but soon I would find the fun in photographing them and here I am today.
For the most part I will tell you I like trains whether you want to hear it or not, yes it is my main flaw but I can't help it I just love the smell of diesel fuel and creosote and the lonesome sound of a train horn off in the distance while being surrounded by some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets and scenery known to mankind. For the most part of my life I did not have much conflict but a few years ago I was met with a battle I was set not to win and yes it was with my old church family. I was not only laughed at but was harassed, mocked, told I was immature, it was said I needed to give up the trains and become like a normal person, and finally removed from positions within the ministry I had built from the ground up. Finally last year I decided after losing a relationship with a person I loved but did not love me back I decided enough was enough and left not wanting to try and win a fight that was fixed in the first place. Enter in my new church family they love and support my photography a 180 degree difference. Last Sunday my pastor preached on false guilt something I had been feeling but did not know the root cause of the problem. For the most part I was made to feel guilty because they were setting standards that suited them and ones they wanted me to live up too.
I am writing this to some of my fellow railfans who maybe feeling guilty for liking trains, the ones who maybe feeling rejection because they just don't fit in (and this goes for the cliche's in the hobby too). To begin with stop feeling sorry for yourself, I know this feels impossible to do but it is the first step in healing. Please understand just because you don't fit in does not mean you do not have a purpose or are appreciated. People will reject you just because they can and yes some can be downright cruel. But the second thing you need to do is understand that they do not control your life if they want to walk or do not want you over what you like or what you do or do not do let them walk. (I had to learn this the hard way). Finally set some standards for yourself, and what and who you allow around your life. The key is to surround people who accept you for you and not what you have, who you know or what you do. I have no set of answers other than the ones above as everyone's situation is unique, but one thing is never feel guilty for what you have a passion for just because of someone's opinions or standards they think you should live up too. I have made it to the point in my life I do not look to see if I made someones standards but I have made the choice I will set the standards of what I want out of life, friendships, and relationships both corporate and personal. No longer will I play victim to someone else's opinions, or beliefs of what I should or should not do for a hobby, and if this means I lose a few so-called friends then be it because they were never my friend in the first place. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you used to be or the one YOU want to be NOT the one you want to be like, there is a blessing in originality I hope this encourages someone who may be in this same set of circumstances. Until next time,remember God is in control, take care.
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